Being first-time parents is honestly the most unhinged, magical, soul-crushing, life-affirming plot twist I’ve ever lived through. Like, I thought I knew exhaustion from startup life in Austin pre-kid. Nope. That was a vacation. This? This is 3 a.m. in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, googling “is it normal for babies to sound like dying pterodactyls” while trying not to cry into a lukewarm White Claw because that’s all that’s left in the fridge.
Let me be crystal clear: nobody is ready. Not you, not me, not that couple on Instagram with the perfect nursery that looks like a West Elm catalog had a baby with a Pinterest board. We brought Luna home on October 12, 2025, and I legitimately thought we’d broken her the first night because she cried for four straight hours and I couldn’t figure out the swaddle. Turns out the swaddle wasn’t the problem. Reality was.
First-Time Parents and the Great Sleep Myth
Sleep training books can get in the sea. Seriously. We bought Taking Cara Babies, Precious Little Sleep, and some $40 PDF from a momfluencer who claims her kid slept through the night at 6 weeks. Lies. All lies.
Here’s what actually happens: your baby will sleep exactly when they feel like trolling you hardest. Luna’s personal record is 4 hours straight, but only if I’m holding her upright while bouncing on a yoga ball and humming the Imperial March because that’s the only song that works at 4:45 a.m. m.
Pro tip from your truly messed-up first-time dad: buy the $12 IKEA yoga ball, not the $80 one. They both end up covered in spit-up anyway.
Feeding: Or, Why I Now Know What Breast Milk Tastes Like
Yeah, I tasted it. Don’t judge me. I was curious and delirious. Verdict: slightly sweet, kinda like almond milk that’s been left out too long.
Pumping at 2 a.m. while watching TikToks of childless people on vacation in Tulum is a very specific circle of hell. My wife is a champion, but watching her wince every time the flange pulls is… brutal. Formula people, I see you and I salute you. We ended up combo feeding because sanity > ideology, and honestly Luna doesn’t care as long as it’s warm and shows up on time.
The Mental Health Stuff Nobody Screams Loud Enough About
I ugly-cried in the Target parking lot because they were out of size 1 Pampers Swaddlers. Full meltdown. Snot everywhere. A stranger asked if I was okay and I almost laughed in her face.
First-time parents, especially dads, get told “you’re fine, you didn’t give birth” like that makes the trauma disappear. And yet society acts like I should just be happy and grateful 100% of the time.
I’m in therapy now. It’s the best money I’ve ever spent. (BetterHelp is fine, but I switched to an in-person guy in Bushwick because I needed to ugly-cry in front of an actual human.)
Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me, Like Actually Told Me
- Your sex life? Dead for a minute. Maybe longer. It’s okay. It comes back weirder and faster and somehow better, but yeah, it’s on pause.
- Baby clothes? Whatever’s clean and doesn’t smell like throw-up. I’ve worn the same black hoodie for 9 days straight.
- Date nights? We had one. Baby puked on the babysitter within 20 minutes. We came home, put on Moana, and passed out by 9:30. 10/10, highly recommend.
- The love is psychotic. Like, I would fight a raccoon bare-handed for this tiny dictator who pays me in smiles and explosive poop.
Anyway, I’m Rambling Because the Baby Just Woke Up Again
Look, first-time parents — you’re doing better than you think on 2.5 hours of sleep and cold coffee. Some days suck so hard you’ll google “can I rehome myself” but then they smile or grip your finger and you’re wrecked all over again.
You got this. Or you don’t, and that’s okay too. We’re all fake it till we make it. Just keep them alive and try not to lose your entire personality (though tbh I can’t remember what mine was pre-baby).
- https://www.healthychildren.org (AAP)
- https://postpartum.net (Postpartum Support International — saved my wife)
- The book “Cribsheet” by Emily Oster (data > mommy wars)
Now if you’ll excuse me, the tiny overlord is screaming again. Send help. Or coffee. Or both.
