When it comes to your kids, dad, What do you expect?
We’ve often heard comments like these from grown sons and daughters:
“My brother was an all-state quarterback, but I played tennis, and I never quite measured up for my dad.”
“I made a B average in school, but Daddy was never happy with anything but A’s.”
Sometimes the expectations aren’t clearly stated, but it’s very clear to the child that he or she is falling short or disappointing Dad in some way. And over time, the children learn that this is how life is: they have to fulfill certain expectations to earn their father’s approval and love. The dads communicate high expectations and their children struggle to feel accepted and appreciated because nothing they do ever quite measures up.
These dads might inadvertently convey that their love is conditional: “If you keep practicing, maybe next year you’ll win first place.” They may actually be proud of their children, but they can’t or won’t express it positively. Somehow, a simple compliment isn’t enough; they feel a need to always add a point of instruction. “That was great, son, but next time do this or that.”
Their children learn that love has strings attached.
Often it’s hard to find the right balance. And to be clear, this isn’t about having low expectations of our children—or no expectations of them. We want our children to feel challenged and encouraged to do their best, behave their best, learn and grow and help others and achieve great things. Some kids need high standards and expectations from their parents to help motivate and inspire them.
Expectations can motivate children toward high achievements. So how can we avoid the negatives?
Here are five suggestions for using expectations in a positive way:
List the expectations you have for your children.
Write them down or put them in a note on your phone. Think of areas like school, sports, behavior, character, and so on. As objectively as you can, reflect on each item on your list and ask, “Is this expectation realistic? Is it too easy or too difficult? Is it appropriate for this child’s unique gifts?” Then ask this tough question: “Does my child feel like he has to excel to earn my love?”
Communicate your expectations positively.
Instead of relaying the message, “You must do this …,” give your child lots of “You can do this” messages. Help them understand the bigger values or long-term goals behind your expectations, so they understand that you really are working toward something good for them and their future.
Be aware of each child’s strengths, weaknesses, interests and dreams.
One of the great dangers of fathering is molding your children into your own image instead of helping them discover who they were uniquely designed to be. But a healthy awareness of your children will help you avoid that common mistake.
When you demonstrate the positive behavior that you expect from your children, the limits and expectations you place on them make more sense. They know that, when you lay out certain rules for them to follow, you also live by those standards. And hopefully they notice the positive results in your life.
This one is worth repeating again and again. A child who’s appreciated and accepted for who he is—regardless of his performance—won’t feel pressure, but freedom. He’ll have the self-esteem and confidence to excel for the right reasons, and not simply to win Dad’s approval.
What’s your approach to expectations? What wisdom would you add? Share a few good words with other dads on our Facebook page here.
