by Ken Canfield, Ph.D.
Dad, while you’re in the middle of dashing around as a busy dad, I want to provide some perspective and an important reminder:
Being a good dad is a distance run. It’s a long, trying journey and we must be disciplined if we hope to finish successfully. The fathering marathon is a test of endurance and mental toughness—a race against ourselves in many ways. It’s a lifelong commitment. “Once a father, always a father.”
Some dads skimp on training, thinking, Who needs to learn how to be a father? Those unprepared fathers are committing themselves to making mistakes, many of which could have been avoided.
Some dads start slowly. They “pace themselves,” thinking they’ll kick in strong later on. Maybe they think babies are best left to their moms, and they’ll be more involved once the kids learn to talk and hold a fishing pole. Those fathers often miss out on the early years, and they fall behind.
Some fathers don’t run the entire race—the prefer to “pop in” here and there on their children’s lives. They convince themselves that, because they have made some contact at specific points, they have fathered. But such in-and-out fathering is bound to fail since these dads are usually miles behind, trying to play catch-up with their children, who are always on the move, always developing, never at the same place twice.
Some fathers pull back during their children’s teen years. A marathon runner would refer to this as “hitting the wall”—that point in the race when his energy is depleted, his muscles begin to cramp, and everything within him is saying it just isn’t worth it anymore. Sadly, some of these dads drop out altogether.
And some men run well for most of the course, then stagger to the finish line. When their children leave home, they assume their job is done. But it isn’t; it has simply changed. Dads play an important role for adult children, not to mention grandchildren.
Committed fathers diligently train and prepare for the long run.
Like a marathon runner examining the course, planning his pace, and paying close attention to his body, we need to survey the terrain of fatherhood and plan accordingly. With eyes open, we’ll need to continue making adjustments along the course so we can meet our children’s ever-changing needs.
Fortunately, the course before us has been well mapped. There’s a lot we know about the stages of our children’s growth as well as the typical peaks and valleys that fathers face along the way—what I call the Fathering Life Course. Also, even though marathoning seems like an individual sport, team support is critical. We know other dads who have experience at this, and we should tap into their experiences and wisdom.
We don’t want to spend most of the fathering marathon walking backwards, looking around and muttering, “If I only knew then what I know now,” or, “Boy, I really missed out.”
It doesn’t have to be that way, dad. Now is the time to stop, survey where you are on the course, take your pulse, and set out confidently to win with your kids—for the long run.
What’s the most important thing you’ve learned so far on your fathering journey? Talk about it with another dad you know or leave a comment on our Facebook page.
