How Long It Took To Rediscover My Indentity and Confidence

I’ve reached a turning point recently, both physically and mentally, postpartum.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I’ve felt fully healed from the birth trauma I experienced with my third child, if being ‘fully healed’ is ever really possible as we’re all ‘damaged’ to varying extents, by something. That in itself is being human, I think.

A culmination of therapy over a long period of time, and the passing of time in itself has helped me to slowly rebuild my mental health, regaining my identity and confidence in the process.

I’ve admittedly experiened a rollercoaster since having my third baby, and first daughter, Florence in 2021. I’ve never publicly discussed or written about the period preceeding her birth and the trauma around that time, in any granular detail, and I’m not sure I ever will but it was turbulent to say the least.

A long recovery followed an emergency c-section prior to a booked elective. I was over the moon and in utter disbelief at having my daughter healthy and well, after such a frightening time at the end of what was already an anxious pregnancy post miscarriage, but the years which followed fluctuated hugely in terms of my mental health.

My anxiety would be manageable for a few weeks, then my cycle would rock me to the point I feared its return the following month.

I feel grateful I was able to access talking therapy via my husband’s private health insurance and continue to, as the waiting list post-pandemic was lengthy (they’ve hopefully improved sicne then) but many parts of the puzzle when it came to my wellbeing had to click into place for me to feel fully myself again. I’ve listed some of these below:

My daughter finally slept better at approximately 2 and a half  years old after house moves and allergies affected her sleep.

Sleep deprivation and over such a long period of time, hugely affected me mentally. I was surviving never truly thriving, like now!

I was able to exercise more regularly once Florence turned 2 thanks to childcare ramping up, which has been scientifically proven to help with anxiety and depression, something I suffered with postpartum, particularly cyclically as aforementioned.

I have always suffered with PMDD, only recently diagnosed, although I’m keen to have an ADHD assesment as I resonate with the characteristics, and there is a correlation between PMDD and ADHD. A study reported 45.5% of women with ADHD have PMDD compared with a reported 28.7% in the general population.

I embraced a glucose balancing diet in November last year, following The Glucose Goddess Method by Jessie Inchauspe, after being diagnosed with just moving into pre diabetes (by 1 point), determined to reverse it. I found my mood, energy and sleep improved as a result of this way of eating, but the effects took three months to feel significant. I’m applying her health hacks with the entire family so everyone feels their best. It’s not a diet per se, just an optimum way of eating but I have lost weight thanks to it which alongside hitting the gym most days has contributed to me feeling more confident. Disliking the body you’re in was another layer of anxiety postpartum for me.

I also believe I needed time for my hormones to rebalance and the above changes to my life needed to work in synchrony. The more motivated I felt, the more I would to agree to stimulating and fun opportunities, which in turn helped me to grow in confidence and feel more myself.

It’s a tricky equation to mater, as time is so short with three children and a job, and improving your life, even small elements of it, can and often is impossible, particularly in the first year postpartum. You need enough change to materialise as by-products of feeling mentally strong again to unlock the next level of wellbeing if you like and the sticky, tough time in the middle requires patience as so much is going on with you chemically, mentally and physically.

I feel wholly elated that I feel myself again now. I’m so ready for this next creative and stimulating chapter full of love in work and with my family. I wish the old me could see how far I’ve come…

If you’re reading this as a first time parent, please know that every pregnancy and birth can vary. My first birth was traumatic due to a pregnancy liver condition and emergency c-section, my second was tranquil and I felt mentally and physically brilliant from the first few weeks onwards. There are so many variables to our health outcomes so please don’t let this post instill fear in you. I wrote a post on how to have a happy c-section after my second son’s birth.

If you’re feeling low or anxious, please do speak to your doctor. I hope you know the way you feel right now will change and improve. Please hang on and reach out for help x