“Oh, we don’t have family dinners – it’s just the two of us! No family!”
I heard that from an acquaintance recently, and if I’m honest, it made me cringe inside. No family? I bet her partner would have something to say about being classified as “not family.”
But it’s actually a fairly common mindset, and it always makes me think that the term “family dinner” has got to be one of the most misunderstood phrases on the planet. We hear those words and our minds drift to grainy black-and-white images of the Cleavers sitting around the table, nostalgic Norman Rockwell paintings, or big, multi-generational Sunday affairs at grandma’s house. It’s a loaded term, and for most of us, it’s loaded with the idea that kids are a necessary component.
There are – at least – a few things wrong with that assumption. One, it fosters the harmful myth that the only way to be a “real” family is to have kids. Two, it diminishes the importance of partnerships, chosen families, and other loving relationships that are just as supportive and vital as a classic nuclear family. And three, it implies that there’s little value to creating a satisfying mealtime routine that helps partners bond and connect.
The fact is, “families” can look all kinds of different ways, and there are strong benefits to eating with each other, no matter how old you are, or how many of you there are around the table. In this increasingly hectic and disconnected world, paying attention to how you and your partner show up to eat together on a regular basis may be one of the easiest ways to safeguard your relationship. Here are some thoughts on establishing, maintaining, and re-inventing your meals together at different points across the lifespan of your relationship:
- The Early Days: When you’re first together, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of eating whatever, whenever; eating separately, as you might have been used to before your couplehood; or eating “together” while scrolling your phones. Now’s the time to get on the same page about what you each expect out of family mealtime, and to be intentional about how taking some time to connect over dinner can positively impact your relationship. Dr. Anne Fishel has good advice for setting up your first mealtime rituals as a couple.
- The Messy Middle: Maybe this includes kids, maybe it doesn’t; but at some point in time, life might get in the way. Jobs, promotions, social obligations, volunteering, and just plain getting stuck in a rut can all contribute to a slump in the way partners show up for each other during meals. If you’re child-free and feeling meh about dinners during this middle phase, it’s time for some healthy maintenance. Try committing to using one of these conversation starters every night for a week, to see how your communication improves. Be mindful about how you prepare yourselves to pause for a meal, so you can initiate a deeper connection. And don’t be afraid to shake things up – suggest trying a new recipe or restaurant every Friday, for example, or surprise your partner with an at-home date night like an indoor picnic or a “restaurant” experience.
- The Parent Trap. Research shows that parents of young children who prioritize family meals are often more satisfied with their relationship than parents who don’t; but that’s cold comfort when your formerly cozy and connected dinners together are overtaken by spilled milk and cutting your child’s meat. If you’re missing that bond over a quiet meal, you can try shifting your mealtime connection to a time when the kids are asleep or out of the house – maybe early morning coffee and pastries on a Saturday, or a late evening snack together. Or maybe Friday night is a fun and easy dinner for the kids, followed by a leisurely adults-only dinnertime after the little ones are in bed. You can also prioritize your teamwork and connection during those hectic family dinners with some of these storytelling activities, or a game that reminds you of your family history or shared memories.
- The Third Act. This might be an “empty nest” if you’re sending kids off to college or their first apartments; or it might just be a transition to a new phase of life, as careers shift and different needs and goals emerge. If you’re noticing that things seem to be shifting in your shared meals at a certain age or stage, it’s not a bad idea to check in with each other about what your relationship needs right now. Shared meals are an important tool in the fight against loneliness, especially for older adults; do you need to revisit how often you eat together, or when and where? Would you both benefit from expanding your meals to include other friends and family on a regular basis? Are there new dietary or health considerations that are challenging for one or both of you? And if you are missing kids who have left home, these words of wisdom from Dr. Anne Fishel may be helpful for feathering your empty nest.
It’s easy to get stuck in a relationship rut, no matter how committed to one another we think we are. The dinner table can be a surprisingly effective tool for keeping the spark alive – don’t forget to use it!
Food
Make your next at-home date night or late night shared snack special with some homemade hot fudge — perfect for ice cream sundaes, cream puffs, dipping fruit, and more!
Fun
Try a couples’ twist on this Book Babble activity for a mealtime bonding experience. Choose a book you’ll read together, and either read aloud at the table, or commit to talking about a specific chapter while you eat each night. Or you can listen to an audiobook together while you cook, and talk about it as you eat. You get the idea!
Conversation
Need some ways to talk with your partner about the various ages and stages of your relationship or your shared meals? We’ve got you covered.
