This blog was written by Allison Olson. Being both an adoptee and an adoptive parent, Allison Olson has a unique perspective on the topic of adoption. She is an award-winning children’s adoption book author and her goal is to change the adoption narrative from the “lucky” child to the “loved” child. Allison lives in Oregon with her husband, two daughters, and their kitties named Bo and Aero.
The time known as the “adoption wait” is when prospective adoptive parents have completed their home study, are officially active with the agency, and waiting to be selected by an expectant mother.
As most adoptive parents know, this time can feel so slow that it can make
minutes seem like weeks. At the beginning of the adoption process, it is very
busy with tons of tasks to complete for the home study, print profile, and even
the very nerve-racking profile video. Nothing really prepares you for the
sudden shift from “go go go” to “sit and wait,” and more likely “wait in
silence.”
However, if spent productively, this could be the most important time a
prospective adoptive parent has to prepare for the adoption of their future
child.
If you think about it, this is
one of the only times in life where you have time to reflect, focus, and
prepare.
All the “to-do” tasks are done, but sleepless nights of baby feedings
are on the horizon, so it’s a great time to prepare for raising an adopted
child.
I’ve spoken with numerous adoptive parents and adult adoptees to create
this top 10 list of things for prospective adoptive parents to do during the
adoption wait to best prepare for post placement.
1. Self-Care and Healing
This is a great time to focus on your own health (i.e.,
getting plenty of sleep, meditation, exercise). It’s also the best time to work
on your mental health. If you have any unresolved feelings about infertility, child
loss, miscarriage, or other trauma, now is the time to find a good therapist. Other
forms of self-care are “filling your own cup” by staying busy with friends and
picking up hobbies.
2. Strengthen Your Adoption Education
Going through the home study process is very educational;
however, it’s important to continue to educate ourselves about adoption and the
impact on our kids. Learn about current positive adoption language (what to say
vs. not to say), listen to podcasts, and read books written by members of the
adoption community.
3. Prepare the House & Nursery
It’s ideal to prepare your house and nursery as
much as possible prior to receiving “the call” since it could be a situation
that requires immediate travel. However, you know yourself best if it would be
too tough emotionally to have an empty nursery. Some people like to have everything
ready to go in the event of a “baby born call,” and others are more comfortable
handling everything last minute once the call happens. Just keep in mind that
babies require a lot of stuff (i.e., swaddles, bassinets, cribs, bottles, books),
so at least spend time researching different products to know what you want.
4. Educate and Prepare Extended Family
Hopefully your family is very excited about your
upcoming adoption. Even with that excitement and even in cases where you have
adopted family members, it is still important to ensure that everyone is up to
date on adoption education because adoption has changed significantly over the
past few decades. It’s key that family is aware of current positive adoption language,
how open adoption works, and how to speak positively about the child’s birth
family (regardless of if the child is present or not). As part of that, it’s
important to make sure you are a safe place for your family to come ask questions
as they continue to learn. This reduces the need for whispers and awkwardness
around discussing adoption.
Another big piece is preparing yourself and
extended family for common questions that adoptive parents, birth parents, and
adoptees receive so that everyone can have as many “canned answers” ready as
possible. These questions will come up at the grocery store, hair salon, etc. I
promise it will always be when you are least expecting it, so it’s best to have
some answers ready to recite.
Some questions include:
- “Where is his/her real family?”
- “Will you
ever have a child of your own?” - “Can I touch his/her hair?”
As an adoptee and adoptive parent, I promise you
will get asked these questions. It will make it much less stressful if you and
your extended family are ready with answers.
5. Make a Pre-Adoption Bucket List
This is the last time you have before your family expands
through adoption. This is the time to take a “baby moon” vacation or accomplish
any outstanding personal or professional goals. I know it’s nerve-racking to
take a vacation when you are waiting on “the call”, but now is the time. Just
make sure that you have Wi-Fi wherever you go and can check email/texts/calls.
If anything, it would make for an amazing story that you had to rush back from
vacation to meet your baby.
6. Setup Your Support System
Raising kids is a lot of work, and as the saying
goes, “It takes a village.” Start setting up your village during this time.
Research daycares, get a list of babysitters, talk with family about childcare
for date nights, and reach out to local adoptive family support groups. Having
this arranged in advance will set you up with a solid foundation for adding a
child into your family.
7. Mentally and Emotionally Prepare for an Adoption
Disruption
This is one of the hardest parts of adoption for
prospective adoptive parents to truly be mentally and emotionally be prepared
for — when an expectant mother and/or father decide to parent their child.
Especially when you were ready to love and take care of this child.
While we can never fully prepare ourselves for
something like this, education, empathy, and “putting ourselves in other
people’s shoes” can at least prepare us for the possibility. Even talking about
this as a possibility with family and friends is helpful in preparing our own
minds. Sometimes speaking about it in a supportive way that someone is choosing
to parent their own child, helps our brains and hearts be more prepared. Also,
having a therapist on hand is helpful.
8. Bond with Your Future Child
Some people suggest journaling, I suggest writing letters
to your future child about your journey. It’s a great way to connect before you
even meet your child and it leaves a lifelong memory for your child of how much
they were loved and wanted during the adoption process.
9. Study Up on Parenting Trends
If you are not already a parent, this is a big
change in anyone’s life. There are many different types of parenting theories.
Study up on several of them so that when you are busy in the throws of
parenting, you aren’t then trying to read books on what to do. Whether it’s how
to swaddle, infant feedings, or dealing with toddler tantrums, the more we can
learn early the better prepared we are when they happen. If you think about it,
non-adoptive parents get nine months to research parenting trends, so “the
adoption wait” is our time as prospective adoptive parents to prepare our
parenting style.
10. Become an Adoptee Advocate
You will soon be the parent of an adoptee. It’s important to listen to adult adoptee voices since they represent a community that your child will grow to be part of. So, start following adoptees on social media, reading books written by adoptees, and listening to adoptee hosted podcasts to learn about different adoptee experiences to better support your future child and his/her community.
Learn more about the author:
Website: www.ouradoptionbooks.com
Social Media: @kidsbooksbyallisonolson (Facebook, Instagram, TikTok)
